Satan Wears a Monocle and Smokes Expensive Cigars

Wherein I briefly share how Satan uses his charm to lead believers astray.

Apr 19, 2025

Not only is Satan good-looking, but he also wears a monocle.

I bet you didn’t know that.

He may or may not also smoke Arturo Fuente cigars while perusing the morning news. Depends on his mood.

That’s to say, Satan wields a deadly combination of intelligence and good looks. In other words, he can be lethally attractive.

Most people don’t know this. Or, maybe they do know, but don’t care to acknowledge it.

I’m specifically referring to those within Christendom.

Satan Is Drawn to Believers, Not the Lost

Christians—many of whom I know—generally believe Satan, the Adversary, to be hanging out on the set of a Blumhouse film, or strutting across the airwaves of a Black Sabbath song.

But the truth is that he hangs out exactly where most Christians would least expect…

Which makes him brilliant, in a way.

Ethelbert William Bullinger (1837-1913)—what a name, eh?—wrote a lot about Satan and his earthly escapades. Most of Bullinger’s thoughts on Satan appeared in the appendices of his Companion Bible.

One of Bullinger’s flourishes that stuck with me is in the 19th appendix, called “The Serpent of Genesis 3.”

This is what he wrote:

Satan’s sphere of activities is in the religious spheres, and not the spheres of crime or immorality; that his battlefield is not the sins arising from human depravity, but the unbelief of the human heart. We are not to look for Satan’s activities to-day in the newspaper press, or the police courts; but in the pulpit and in professors’ chairs.

That’s a bold claim, Mr. Bullinger, sir.

I can already see the clenching jaws of angry Christians, who cannot, for one second, entertain the thought that their pastor, a good man (or woman), I mean, a really good man (or woman), could be under the influence of the Adversary.

But, I care about what Scripture says, and I think you do, too. Therefore, we need to look to God’s inspired words, and give them more weight than our own dim-witted opinions or knee-jerk impressions.

The Adversary targets believers more than anyone else. He homed in on some of the greatest figures in Scriptural history.

Consider the following:

Satan targeted Eve (Genesis 3:1-6; 2 Corinthians 11:3).
Satan targeted Job (Job 1:6–12; 2:1–7).
Satan targeted David (1 Chronicles 21:1).
Satan targeted Jesus (Matthew 4:1–11; Luke 4:1–13).
Satan targeted Judas Iscariot (Luke 22:3; John 13:2; John 13:27).
Satan targeted Peter (Luke 22:31–32; Matthew 16:23).
Satan targeted Paul (2 Corinthians 12:7; 1 Thessalonians 2:18).

These verses prove, beyond doubt, that Satan takes a special interest in those God has chosen.

Why?

Because Satan’s a smart dude. Clever, too. Oh, and attractive.

All the men and women who were tempted by Satan found something attractive about the way he tried to mislead them. After all, things are only tempting if there’s something attractive about it.

The only way Satan can mislead believers is by leveraging what tempts them. He preys upon our weaknesses…

And we all have weaknesses.

Satan is something of a missionary. Only, he’s out to thwart, distract, and pull away fellow believers.

He’s not going to waste his time rubbing elbows with folks in the back of pool halls, or sharing a whiskey on the rocks with members of AC/DC.

(PSA: There’s nothing wrong with pool halls or AC/DC. Both are great.)

Satan is bent on convincing vulnerable believers that he, the Adversary, is the good guy. Many of whom turn out to be part of the Christian religion.

How does he do this?

Well…

For one…

He hides behind religious architecture, theological seminaries, and poorly translated Bibles to carry out his clever schemes.

It’s no wonder why Christian architecture usually has no semblance to what is actually written in Scripture. (Someone point me to a Bible verse that features flying babies, with curly red hair and wings.)

It’s no wonder some refer to Christian seminaries as “Christian cemeteries.” (Oftentimes, zealous believers come out of their three-year tenure in seminary as unbelievers. Hmm.)

It’s no wonder virtually every Bible translates “Sheol,” “Hades,” “Gehenna,” and “Tartarus” as “hell” in our English versions. (Give this a read for the truth about the so-called “hell” of Christendom.)

Satan’s whole schtick is to get God’s faithful to believe a lie that appears true.

His goal is to shake our faith just enough to make us question the Creator of the universe. This was Satan’s strategy against Eve. He called into question God’s authority. And it worked.

Satan tried something similar with Jesus, after He was baptized (Matthew 4).

And this schtick has done wonders for him.

Satan Has Hoodwinked Almost All of Christendom

He’s convinced most Christians that there’s only one gospel in the Scriptures—that every book of the Bible is pointing toward the same truth.

This is one of the most devastating developments in all of Christendom. It has led to endless, nonsensical theologies, all in an effort to make sense of Scripture.

Paul was given a distinct evangel to share with the nations, or Uncircumcision, through the risen Christ. Conversely, Peter, and the rest of Jesus’ disciples, carried on the ministry Jesus started to the Circumcision.

In Galatians 2:7-10, Paul writes:

I have been entrusted with the evangel of the Uncircumcision, according as Peter of the Circumcision (for He Who operates in Peter for the apostleship of the Circumcision operates in me also for the nations), and, knowing the grace which is being given to me, James and Cephas and John, who are supposed to be pillars, give to me and Barnabas the right hand of fellowship, that we, indeed, are to be for the nations, yet they for the Circumcision—only that we may be remembering the poor, which same thing I endeavor also to do.

Many Christians believe Paul and Barnabas took the same evangel to the Uncircumcision as Peter took to the Circumcision.

This is not true. At all.

Paul and Peter did not teach the same things.

Let me mention that one more time, for those in the back.

Paul and Peter did not teach the same thing.

The Adversary would have us believe that Paul and Peter brought the same evangel, only to different groups of people.

If that was the case, why would Paul write, in Romans 16:25, that there was such a thing as “my evangel”?

Now to Him Who is able to establish you in accord with my evangel.

Isn’t this a little selfish of Paul, if he was sharing the same evangel as Jesus, Peter, John, and James?

But Paul wasn’t sharing the same evangel. Not even close.

If more believers understood the distinct evangel brought to the Uncircumcision, through Paul, the bewildering puzzle boxes of theology that has consumed Christendom for centuries wouldn’t even be worth mentioning.

Paul taught justification through faith. Paul taught the despotism of grace (Romans 5:20). Peter never taught this. Neither did John. Neither did James. Neither did—gasp!—Jesus, during his earthly ministry.

Every writer in Scripture, aside from Paul, taught that faith needed works.

(I’ll be going into more detail about this topic in the future. Just you wait. But for now, here’s a little something for further study.)

Paul’s evangel was already being subverted before he died. And it wasn’t being undermined by secular philosophers, or Buddhist monks, or Sam Altman’s great granddad.

In Acts 20:29-31, Paul said:

Now I am aware that after I am out of reach, burdensome wolves will be entering among you, not sparing the flocklet. And from among yourselves will arise men, speaking perverse things to pull away disciples after themselves. Wherefore watch, remembering that for three years, night and day, I cease not admonishing each one with tears.

This is what A.E. Knoch (1874-1965) says about this passage in his Concordant Commentary on the New Testament:

The apostle draws a dark picture of apostasy. Wolves from without were to come in. These are spoken of as "burdensome" and probably refers to those who came in to get rather than to give. But even worse was the apostasy within. In Corinth we see the readiness with which the disciples followed a leader even when the leader refused a following. In Ephesus began the destructive work of those who set themselves up as heads of parties or divisions. Had they acted like Paul with the Corinthians the schism would have been healed. But, as they courted a personal following, it has led to the multiplied divisions of today.
Paul's tears were occasioned by the fear that they would turn away from his gospel, as they subsequently did (2 Timothy 1:15).

Paul explicitly warned that some would come in and try to destroy his evangel. This is precisely what Christendom has done, since its inception.

Eventually, the evangel that Paul brought to the Uncircumcision was mixed and tangled with other dogmas and evangels.

It’s safe to say Satan had a hand in that. A big hand, in fact.

The admixture of Paul’s evangel with these other beliefs is how Christendom, in its current iteration, came along.

The ironic thing about it is that they, Christians, cannot even agree amongst themselves on any given theological point, which is why we have hundreds of denominations, proclaiming contradictory truths.

Christians, as a whole, love ritual, and following rules, and condemning others for not believing like they do. I was once was a part of the Christian Club. I know all about how it goes.

But that’s not Paul’s evangel.

With Paul, there are no rituals, or rules.

Paul’s evangel is justification through faith. Paul’s evangel is about the absolute despotism of grace. No works are needed. None. Zero. Zip. (See Romans 3:28; Romans 5:1; Galatians 2:16)

The Body of Christ—those who believe Paul’s evangel, revealed to him by the risen Christ, as distinct from Jesus’ earthly ministry—are to be led by faith, love, and peace.

Paul writes in 2 Timothy 2:22:

Now youthful desires flee: yet pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace, with all who are invoking the Lord out of a clean heart.

Paul’s evangel is our lighthouse, our beacon, amid the fog and mist of decayed Christian theology.

If it seems smart, or seems correct, or seems attractive, check it against the Scriptures. If it’s not there, toss it out, whatever it is.

Satan didn’t approach Eve with horns and a red pitchfork.

He (probably) approached her, wearing a monocle, holding an expensive cigar, wearing Polo Black, claiming to be an expert on the finer things (i.e. God’s ways).

Don’t fall for it.